Add any political jokes here.

A woman in a hot-air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.

"She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican."

"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct. But I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."

The man smiled and responded, "You must be an Obama Democrat."

"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going.. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it's my fault."

^

[This isn't a joke, but I assumed it would be so shocking and wildly controversial that it should go somewhere other than the Politics Forum, just to be fair to the other topics in there.]

President Obama's new "Cash for Clunkers" program has been wildly popular--so popular it ran out of money in just a few days. But it would be unfair and incorrect to say that he came up with the idea for this innovative program. A review of historical evidence makes it clear that the idea was not only thought up by his Democratic predecessor, Bill Clinton, but that Clinton actually tested the program for a short time himself.

Bill Clinton's concept of the program was very similar to Obama's; however, it did not involve the automobile industry. The Clinton version of "cash for clunkers" began under the name, "Bimbos for Battle-axes." In this program, any man could, showing just cause, turn in his old, used up battle-ax of a wife for a newer, high performance, low-mileage, low IQ, low self-esteem bimbo.

President Clinton, concerned for how the program might affect the economy, the nation's social fabric, and the beltway bar scene, chose to test its efficacy himself. He was willing to make any sacrifice necessary--time, money, energy, a box of Gurkha HMRs--to make sure this was right for America. He handpicked staff and filled every position.

Sadly, the Clinton version of this innovative trade-in program never made it out of the back rooms of the Oval Office. His aides believed in him, and went to great lengths to save it. They urged the president to present his oral arguments to Congress. In the end, the concept never got off its knees, shriveled up and died. The fatal flaw came in the dilemma of what to do with all of the retired battle-axes. Crushing them was deemed a constitutional problem. Sending them overseas was considered, but vetoed due to cost and fear of French retaliation. There was even some thought of pairing them with lonely old men in nursing homes; however, this was quickly rebuked by lobbyists for the AARP.

So Barack Obama can take all the credit for his Cash for Clunkers program if he likes, but he has Bill Clinton's innovation and keen sense for stimulus to thank for bridging the gap to the 21st century.

Late Night Dick Cheney Jokes

"In competing speeches today, President Obama said the U.S. went off course with practices like waterboarding. Cheney retaliated by saying he doesn't regret any of the decisions he made, and if he had to do it all over again, he would order President Bush to do exactly the same thing. And then he ate a baby." --Jimmy Kimmel


"President Barack Obama has also signed an executive order officially banning torture in the United States. There goes Dick Cheney's retirement, huh? What is he supposed to do now?" --Jay Leno

"Hey, did you see this in the paper? In an interview with the Washington Times, Vice President Dick Cheney said he is not a big fan of rap music. You could have knocked me over with a feather. I was stunned by that. Actually, I'm surprised. I mean, look at the guy. He gets driven around in a limo, surrounded by bodyguards, shot a guy in the face -- he is a rap star." --Jay Leno

"This week, Dick Cheney was interviewed by ABC News, and he said that he will miss being vice president. Then he said, 'And I'll really miss being president.' That was the best part." --Conan O'Brien

"Dick Cheney gave Joe Biden tour of the vice president's living quarters. Yeah, afterwards, Biden said he loves the house, but he'll probably turn the dungeon back into a rec room." --Conan O'Brien

"Of course, the most controversial thing Sarah Palin said last night was she felt the vice president should have more power. More power? Dick Cheney is shooting people in the face and doesn't even get arrested. You cannot get any more powerful than that." --Jay Leno

"John McCain does not want Dick Cheney to attend the Republican Convention, because he says he's too unpopular. Yeah, and when asked to comment, Cheney said, 'I hope the senator reconsiders.' Then he turned into a bat and flew away." --Conan O'Brien

A Driver is stuck in a traffic jam going into downtown Chicago .
Nothing Is Moving north or south. Suddenly a man knocks on his window.

The driver rolls down his window and asks, 'What happened, what's the
hold Up?'

'Terrorists have kidnapped Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton,Oprah Winfrey,
Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid, Rosie O'Donnell, Jesse Jackson and Al
Sharpton. They are asking for a $10 Million ransom. Otherwise, they
are going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire. We are
going from car to car, taking up a collection.'

The driver asks, 'On average, how much is everyone giving?'

'About a gallon.'